busybee

A side order of truth, please?

 
(image stolen from Andrew Zuckerman's new book Wisdom.)

How true is that statement?  Seriously.  Talk about being slapped on the face with a heaping pile of truth slathered in salt and butter... 

This week has been full of questions, and doubt, and misunderstandings, tied together with a smallish ribbon of sad...  BUT.  The absolutely GREAT thing about it is that it did not kill anyone (or anything.)  Infact, from all the questions came a much greater understanding of all things pertaining.  Things like this always leave me thoughtful and inspired, and ready to do better, be better, try harder...  Without losing sight of the fact that flaws can be a thing of beauty too.

Questioning things can sometimes be difficult and dangerous.  But I am curious, and I have an intense need to u-n-d-e-r-s-t-a-n-d things.  This is one of the best qualities I have, and I don't plan to stop.  Ever.

(If only my paints and art supplies were unpacked.)

In other news...

In my recent state of chaotic affairs (read: wading through boxes of crap that I have accumulated over the years) I absolutely forgot to thank one more person who has been helping me move...

Steve's done a great deal of the moving of stuff from my old storage to my new basement, and I can't thank him enough.  Moving stuff out of storage always stresses me out (mostly because of the potential for spider exposure) and when I asked him to help me, he agreed without any hesitation.

His water-heater PILOT lighting skills leave something to be desired, however. (wink.)

Steve, thank you for your help.  It means a lot!

I am about to go tackle the rest of this day head on! 

lately...

 

Lately, I've been up to something that I should have attempted long ago.  Though I truly believe that timing is everything, and I was not ready before...  But lately I feel different.  I feel a bit exposed, and maybe sometimes a bit exhausted...  But I also feel so much lighter...

Lately I feel like I have been permeated by an intense calmness.  It feels as though someone has rubbed pure aloe all over my insides.  Unbelievably soothing.  I can't even begin to explain it, except to say that I created it, and I put it there. 

Lately I feel like I finally have a place to start, and some tools to get me where I want to be.  It has not been easy, and I still have a ways to go, but for the first time in a long time (maybe even the first time ever) I am extraordinarily proud of myself. 

And that alone has made it all worth while...

I think I finally understand Superman.

I may have talked about this before, but I am bringing it up again!

Long ago, during my torrid love affair with Dean Cain (and by torrid love affair, I actually mean the Sunday nights I spent glued to the TV in my Grandmother's room watching The New Adventures of Superman in the hopes of catching a glimpse of Dean without his shirt on) I decided that the whole concept of Superman is a bit ridiculous.

I mean...  He takes his glasses off, puts on some blue spandex and a cape, and suddenly no one recognizes him?  A whole city of people, including his partner at the newspaper where he works, do not recognize that Clark Kent is simply Superman with GLASSES ON??!! 

Come on, people.

It always made me crazy.  Kind of like Jeff always wondering "WHO ARE ALL THOSE OTHER PEOPLE" in the background of any given episode of LOST, and me always yelling "BABY!  LET IT GO!!" at him.  There are just some things about entertainment that you have to let go of, no matter how bonkers it makes you.  I was able to overlook this Superman flaw, mostly because of Dean Cain's beautifully sculpted pecs and abs. 

*ahem*  Moving along...

Recently, however, it has become clear to me that perhaps adding a pair of glasses really CAN change a person's identity.  Let's take, for example...  Me.

For the first 19 years of my life, I did not wear glasses.  It was not until my second year in college, and all those grueling hours in the computer lab straining my poor little eyes just to write that C++ Program, when my vision started to poop-out on me, and I realized I needed glasses.  It may have also had something to do with the fact that when I drink too much I have a tendency to bump into things and/or fall down.  So if concussions have anything to do with vision impairment, that could also be a factor.  Not that I ever drank excessively in college...  Mom.

Regardless, I finally got glasses.  And the moment I slipped them onto my face, I became....

[Insert drumroll here]

Tina Fey.

 Friday night at the bar, it happened again...

"Has anyone ever told you that you look just like that girl on Saturday Night Live?"

Why, yes.  Yes they have.  Many, many, many times, actually. 

Clark Kent takes some glasses off and becomes SUPERMAN, but I put some glasses on and become Tina Fey?  I mean, no doubt she is funny and very talented, but (at least to my knowledge) she does not fly. So, where is the fairness in that?

I don't, necessarily find the comparison offensive...  I guess I just don't understand it.  I think the only thing that is clearly obvious is that both Tina and myself have flawlessly amazing taste in eye-ware, and perhaps a similar hairstyle...    But I guarantee you, without the specs, I look nothing like her.

Just something I'm thinking about today.

we may as well just go ahead and declare this "cool things said by other people" week.

I am all about the quotations this week...  Listening to the words of other people can be such a great source of inspiration!  This one comes straight from the lips of a very good friend...

"When did you stop believing in people?  You realize that not everyone is out to hurt you, right?  What you should try, is giving people the benefit-of-the-doubt every once-in-a-while, and you just might be surprised by what you find..."

HOLY CRAP.  He is so right.  When did I stop believing in people, and start living my life like I just woke up in the middle of one of the Bourne movies where everyone is after me and I have no idea why?  Seriously?! 

What the heck?  I need to do something about this pronto!  Deep cleansing breath, let it go, put down your guns, you are not being chased by zombies!!  I feel like this concept needs to take over my neuro-transmitters for a while...  Not everyone is out to hurt me...

Not everyone is out to hurt me??!??!

(really?)

wow.

MOVING ALONG...  Some WOOTS & bummers to share...

WOOT:  Had my Cholesterol randomly tested this week. It was 144, which is GOOD!  One of the perks of working in a medical lab is that they occasionally need "guinea pigs" with large veins to train people.  Lucky for them, you could literally chuck a needle across the room at me (blindfolded), and it would hit my big giant vein.  I also happen to be a big fan of guinea pigs.  The last time I had my cholesterol tested was about 4 years ago...  It was high then (216!!)  That's a significant drop, people!  I am told there are many factors that could have caused that to happen...  I also think maybe it has something to do with the weight I lost in that time period...  Either way...  WOOT.

bummer:  Just found out today that Keegan's speech therapist is moving onto a new job, and as of the end of June, will be no longer seeing Keegan.  I'm pretty sad about this, it feels a bit like a set-back to me.  Keegan ADORES Jessica, and I truly attribute much of his success to her work with him. She is young and adorable, and just getting started in the world, so of course I want her to do well...  I am just so sad to see her go, and I know Keegan will be to.

WOOT:  I forgot to update about my nasty finger.  It did, infact, end up being an infected spider bite.  I think, we'll just skip over that detail for now.  The idea of a spider being on my finger (without me knowing) is just unacceptable and I am still in denial.  The doctor cut open the finger and squished out all sorts of nastiness, squeezed (what seemed like) an entire tube of bacitracin on it, and then wrapped it in a big (very silly looking) mess of gauze and tape.  It is looking MUCH better today, and feeling better too!  Thank you everyone, for your "get well" wishes!  My Mom so kindly pointed out to me that I have now reached a whole new level of "self injury."  There are not many people who can just roll out of bed needing medical attention.  THAT IS SOME SERIOUS TALENT. 

bummer:  THIS IS SERIOUSLY THE MOST IRRITATING THING I AM DEALING WITH RIGHT NOW.  My hot-water pilot keeps blowing out.  You have no idea what it took for me to even figure that out!!  I didn't even know what a hot-water pilot WAS at first.  It sounded like some evil little dude in an airplane whose sole purpose was to make sure I had permanently hard nipples for the rest of the day.  I came to discover that this was not the case...  however I still had no idea where my hot-water pilot WAS, let alone what sort of rogue wind must be whizzing past it to continuously blow it out.  In the past week, I have taken exactly 3 showers.  THREE.  I can tolerate washing my hair in the sink with cold water, but for someone who normally takes scorchingly-hot showers, even in July, this whole event is just not allowing me to shoot rays of sunshine from my smile.   

Dear Hot-Water Pilot.
PLEASE FLY BACK OVER HERE AND HEAT MY FREAKEN WATER! 
Love, Steph

WOOT:  Miss Sassafrassapants has officially been placed in a Kindergarten class starting in August of 2008!  EXCITING STUFF!!  She is in the class I wanted her to be in, with the teacher I requested.  Yes, I am one of those Moms.  In a couple weeks she will get to go see her class and meet her teacher, and I will get to cry.  When did my itty bitty baby turn into a school-aged child?  I am so excited for her...  she is going to blow my mind, of that I am sure...

That is all for today.  Carry on.

who knew twill-weave cotton could be so exciting?

On Earth Day this year, I made a committment to myself to switch to reusable canvas shopping bags.

Today I began the process with the purchase of my first two canvas bags!  I'll pick up a couple more bags each time I go shopping, and in a few weeks, I'll have enough to do my entire grocery run.

There are a few totally rad facts about these bags that I feel the need to point out.

1.  They are  GINORMOUS!!  You can easily fit the contents of TWO (maybe THREE) full plastic shopping bags into ONE of these suckers!  This is a plus for me because it reduces my trips back and forth to the car to unload, which means less trips up and down the stairs to my second floor apartment, which means less opportunities for me to kill myself falling down the stairs, which I did last week.  True story.

2. They're totally appealing to my aesthetic side.  Something about the canvas, I think.  I can't explain it really, aside from to tell you that I am a very tactile person, and I have an incredible urge to touch them.

3. They make less noise than the plastic bags, and by less I actually mean NONE.  My cats appreciate this fact GREATLY, as they've got somewhat of an inexplainable fear of all things loud and crinkly. 

See?  These bags are definitely kitty-approved!!

4.  Last but certainly not least...  A few weeks of an extra $6 purchase = doing something good for this place we call home, and also a good teaching/learning opportunity for my kids too. 

I'm just one little person, but I can make a difference...  And so can you!

Happy Tuesday!

a peaceful moment

Yup, another late night post.

(Consider yourself warned.)

While cleaning up my room yesterday, I had to take a moment to stop and appreciate the sunlight spilling in through the windows... 

It felt so peaceful.

That peaceful feeling is definitely something I have been missing in my life these past couple years...  I sometimes don't realize how much I miss it, until I feel it for a quick passing moment like this one...  That feeling of peace and, I suppose, comfort that comes from being exactly where you are meant to be, and absolutely knowing it from within...

There's just something to be said for that feeling.  It's like pulling your favorite blanket out of the dryer and wrapping up in it while it is still warm...

Familiar.

Comfortable.

Home.

Someday, I know all the pieces will fit again. 

And, wouldn't that be something?

approximations

I am going to warn you that I may be talking a lot about Keegan this week.  It seems that in the days leading up to yet-another-neurologist-appointment, his mysterious little brain is all that I can think about. 

I've started to compile a list of the words Keegan can say, and by words I actually mean approximations, because the very harsh realization is that Keegan does not speak, he produces a sound that very faintly resembles the word.  I have known felt for a while now that there is something "not quite right" about the way in which he speaks.  I am not trying to set unrealistic expectations for him, and yes - I realize he is only two.  But as a parent, you learn to rely heavily on that gut instinct.  Because, when it speaks to you as loudly as mine is right now, ignoring it is just not an option.

According to a Pediatric Developmental Chart that I have been looking at, children that are two should have a speaking vocabulary of 100-200 words, and a cognitive vocabulary (meaning: understood words) of 300-500 words.  Reading statistics like this is so very hard for me.  So much so, that I have to admit, I sometimes completely avoid these developmental charts and statistics all together.  It is sometimes easier to pretend not to know, than to be faced with reality...

Keegan has less than 10 spoken words.  And ALL of those are approximations.

I've been VERY focused on listening to Keegan these last few weeks. These are the words he can say, and this is how he says them:

Instead of "hello"  Keegan says:  AH-yoo.
Instead of "more"  Keegan says:  Muh
Instead of "all done"  Keegan says: Uhhh-guh
Instead of "help"  Keegan says:  Ehm
Instead of "daddy"  Keegan says:  AH-ee
Instead of "momma"  Keegan says: Um-um
Instead of "stuck" Keegan says: Uht

That's pretty much it - keep in mind that I am still working on the list.  Mostly, when Keegan wants something, he grunts using some variation of an "m" sound.  "Mmmm!!" or "Mmmmmm??"  He uses his intonation to let you know if it's a question or a demand, but the sounds are usually the same.  All vowels, and soft consenants.  The frustrating piece is...  You can say:  "Keegan, go put this wrapper in the garbage, get me a diaper, and come lay down on the floor."  AND HE WILL DO IT.  In that order, without getting side-tracked. 

Because he is such a quiet boy, he is a pretty amazing observationalist (is that even a word? Well, I suppose it is now...)  He watches EVERYTHING around him, and I am not the first to notice it.  He is fascinated by his world...  and I can only imagine what he would have to say about it all, if only he could. 

On a side note...  Alyza came up to me this morning and signed "help" to let me know she needed help zipping up her sweater.  Her interest in her brothers situation is absolutely heartwarming.  Yesterday she asked me if we could teach Keegan how to sign the word "happy" because she wanted to be able to ask him if he was happy when they played together...  I had to wait about 10 seconds before I could even squeak out a response to her request, for fear that I would completely break down...

Now, I'm not perfect.  And let's just say that as much as I appear to be "holding it together" about this whole thing...  I'm pretty much consumed by the sadness that surrounds it.   I've been doing a pretty fair job carrying Keegan's burden for him, but it never even dawned on me that some of the weight was being held up by his sister.  She does not know much about the details.  She has not been witness to my tears.  But she knows that her brother can not talk, and she totally "gets" it.  And because she brought that fact to my attention...  I feel a little less alone about it today. 

Tonight we will look up the sign for "happy" and start putting it into our routine.

(I have a feeling it will be the sign he uses the most...)

slow down.

I'm telling you...  I should not be allowed to wander through the internet unchaperoned...  Because it is in these moments of wandering that I stumble upon quotes like this one, and my mind is ignited into thoughts like fireworks in my brain...

"Have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and to try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don't search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer..."  -Rainer Maria Rilke (1875 - 1926)

It goes without saying that we all have things that are unresolved in our hearts.  So how do you shut off that desire to seek and discover ALL of the answers?  I am struggling so much with this question right now that it is absolutely wreaking havoc in every facet of my life.  The nature of who I am leads me to question absolutely EVERYTHING that I am faced with, to the point of sometimes destroying it with my inability to just let it be.

I mean, there is beauty in just walking away, and letting something be...  right?

There are days where I feel absolutely driven by fear...  The fear of being faced with things that are out of my control.  The fear of being hurt or betrayed again.  The fear of failing.  I will be the first to tell you that letting these fears drag you around by the neck is no way to live...  But overcoming them, when they are so deeply rooted, is no easy feat either.

I want to slow down and "live the questions!!!!"

Maybe my problem is that trying to figure it all out is the wrong vehicle for actually figuring it all out...

Only one way to really know, I suppose...

just something.

It's my last night in FLA.  I miss home.  I can't wait to get back to the ones I love tomorrow...

But in the mean time, after the conference ended today, I got to spend some time in the sun with my tunes, and this book....

This book is absolutely amazing.  I think even if I did not have my very own "wordless child" I would enjoy reading this.  Robert Rummel-Hudson writes with such power and his words are so heart felt...  I love things that make me FEEL.  I'm just gonna come right out and say I am a feeling-junkie, and this book is no exception.  Not to mention the fact that I am reading a book that reminds me of Keegan so much that I sometimes have to stop and look at the picture of the little girl on the cover just to remind myself that it is infact a book about Schuyler.  I sat by the pool and fought back tears today as I read...  It sometimes feels like I am reading pages straight out of my personal journal...

There is a chapter in the book that talks about the day Schuyler had her MRI.  He talks of having to restrain her on his lap as they inserted the IV for the anesthesia, and he talks about how as her body went limp, he felt as though it was like holding someone as they died... 

I literally wanted to crawl into the very pages of this book and hug this man.

I think any parent can benefit from reading this book, as it is ultimately the story of a father finding his way with his daughter and her monster. 

I, on the other hand, am folding down page corners and circling things I want to talk to our neurologist about next week...  I'm not entirely convinced that something hasn't been overlooked.

And, back to packing I go!! 

come out come out wherever you are!

Literally people.  I got nothin' today. 

So, it's your turn!  If there is something you are dying to ask me (ie: my thoughts on politics, my feelings about the color purple, my general opinion on black olives, my shoe size, what adhesive I use on my crafty projects, the meaning of life, where I get my rad teeshirts/shoes...) Just click on comments and ask away!!

The stage is yours!  Anything goes!  :)

Tomorrow I will post answers...

Have fun (and keep it at least somewhat clean, my Mom reads this!)